the enchanter's side notes, leftovers of mind, and the rest.
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stradgirl's leftovers of mind, thoughts, and maybe... something of you
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Monday, December 17, 2001
I feel very much alone.. Tonight is just like any ordinary night, and I can't figure out why I feel this way...
11:02 PM | I GOTTA talk to you about
this!
Saturday, December 08, 2001
You can do it you can do it.. you most certainly can, have courage.. I'll let him pass Christmas without me, and I'm sure it doesn't mean a great deal anyhow.. it would but he'll be okay, because he's got a girlfriend. And I wrote a poem, and even sent him the music.. it's really not, he's really not worth it :) I can't bring myself to admit it but he really does not deserve all of this... he just happens to be the object of my passion, I want someone else to replace that position he presently holds--and it is a possible thing, if only I let it happen. I should't let this happen...he's being most self-centred, and I am letting him get away with it.. I can't help myself. It's just that closeness I can't turn away from, so much that's been shared.. we should've waited longer. But I must overcome this, at some point: the sooner the better. He's 23.. he is strong and can endure it without as much difficulty as I. After all the things we have talked about together...I cannot believe he's still continuing with what he is doing. We both have suffered much, and it was unavoidable. I have to grow out of this--if only I can stay strong. If only I can stay determined...and wilful.
10:15 PM | I GOTTA talk to you about
this!
Tuesday, November 27, 2001
And as I write that last line, he messages me, after a week and a half of silence.. it's funny how today had to be it for the both of us..?
What coincidences - Brad messaged me just now, as well.
12:31 PM | I GOTTA talk to you about
this!
I'm having it.
I had had a generally happy but tiring day so far, and on the way home, walking on the same street as he and I did, I had a strange feeling, of emancipating and permanent detachment. It reminded me of... the first time I rode my bicycle alone. All the apprehension and anxiety disappeared the moment dad let go of the back of the bicycle, and as I flew into the running wind against my face.
I felt so peaceful, having this feeling, and also "feeling" something else, physically -- so I'm having my period.
It is laughable how anxious and afraid I was, but maybe it was my last bit of desire not to let go of the past, thinking of this as the final -- official sign of our separation. Maybe -- I might even have been wishing for it to come true to some degree, as much as such a day dream it sounds like. So, it is over, memories will be memories, and I happily part with them.
12:29 PM | I GOTTA talk to you about
this!
Wednesday, September 26, 2001
The lucky star was with me, just not in the way I wanted it to be...
I'm going to end up revealing the truth, it's just a matter of WHEN
2:10 PM | I GOTTA talk to you about
this!
Monday, September 24, 2001
Today I'm calling the customer service office. Will the lucky star be with me? I'm scared.
12:58 PM | I GOTTA talk to you about
this!
Friday, September 21, 2001
I'm falling and falling and falling and falling, and falling...and falling and falling and falling.
Sinking into the deep water..
3:53 PM | I GOTTA talk to you about
this!
Wednesday, September 19, 2001
Limbs of no body -
World's indifference to the Afghan tragedy
By Mohsen Makhmalbaf
June 20, 2001
The Iranian
'If you read my article in full, It will take about an hour of your time. In this hour, 14 more people will have died in Afghanistan of war and hunger and 60 others will have become refugees in other countries. This article is intended to describe the reasons for this mortality and emigration. If this bitter subject is irrelevant to your sweet life, please don't read it...'
And of course, we will read.
http://www.iranian.com/Opinion/2001/June/Afghan/index.html
4:22 PM | I GOTTA talk to you about
this!
"Have we learnt our lesson?
Unless we learn what it is to be that bombed child - whether it be in Vietnam or Iraq - we learn nothing
by Studs Terkel
Guardian
Friday September 14, 2001
That which is called the impregnable Fortress America has been touched, and all the commentators and pundits are saying: "How dare they do it?" Now, in the midst of all the grief, unless we do what teacher says - put our thinking caps on - we won't understand. Einstein said that ever since the atom was split, the world has changed irrevocably except the way we think. Now we must think anew.
Peace is indivisible, the world is one and we are not the invincible guardians of the world we once were. For the first time we have been touched, and other people have been touched in different ways. Unless we learn what it is to be that bombed child, wherever that place is - whether it be Vietnam or Iraq or wherever - we have learned nothing.
Since the end of the second world war we have had 15 military adventures elsewhere. Our adventures were Vietnam, Iraq, Grenada - God help us! But these wars have been elsewhere. For the first time since the second world war, we have been affected, tragically and horribly. What have we learned?
Of course bringing the murderers to book is important, but we must learn that we are part of this world, and not Fortress America. The irony is - and this is Einstein's point - that the 21st century can be a tremendous one: we have all the advantages in medicine, in food production.
FDR, back in 1936 during the great depression, with one-third of a nation ill-fed, ill clothed, in poor health - that munificent big government saved our society. Our new religion is the free market - well, the free market in the 20s slipped on a banana peel and fell on its ass. I did a book on the depression, and I asked a prototype of Alan Greenspan, a top executive in the banking world: "What happened?" He said: "We don't know." We looked for some kind of announcement - the answer came from the government. Those who most condemn the government today - their asses were saved by big government. We are suffering what I call a national Alzheimer's disease. We have no memory of yesterday.
When it comes to this event - and it is all related, by the way - will we learn that we are now not invulnerable? Thus far, of course, there is hysteria in the air, and fury, and anger: no one has yet brought up the subject of the role we have played. There is an article in the current edition of Harper's in which we are compared to the Romans. But they did not pretend to do good, they were just conquerors. We are always doing good, we are always innocent. But we are always the ones looked on badly. Why? The question is: are we now thinking what has to be learned from this? I am on the air in a little while on public radio, and I may get into trouble too, telling them what I am saying. I have not heard one politician yet who said anything in the sense of what I am saying now. Not a one.
The second world war vets - well, you know how they are. Bernard Shaw said something on the lines of war being loved by old men as young men go to fight. But I think there is a feeling among younger people that maybe there is something else here to be learned. People have a hunger for a faith of some kind.
Before, in the cold war, it was communism. The Evil Empire is no more, so now it's terrorism. Now we come to the question: what is terrorism? But isn't dropping bombs on people you don't see and are told to do so for the sake of justice and honour - isn't that terrorism too? So that's the big question. Will we learn from this? I hope we will. But nothing of that sort has come through here.
We are part of this world, and as Martin Luther King said years ago, we live together as brothers or die together as fools. And this is precisely what Einstein was talking about. Have we learned this lesson? I don't know."
• Studs Terkel was talking to Peter Lennon. Terkel's latest book on Death will be published by Granta next month.
10:43 AM | I GOTTA talk to you about
this!
Tuesday, September 18, 2001
"Islam and the West are inadequate banners
The United States may too often have failed to look outside but
it is depressing how little time is spent trying to understand America
Edward Said
Sunday September 16, 2001
The Observer
Spectacular horror of the sort that struck New York (and to a lesser degree Washington) has ushered in a new world of unseen, unknown assailants, terror missions without political message, senseless destruction. For the residents of this wounded city, the consternation, fear, and sustained sense of outrage and shock will certainly continue for a long time, as will the genuine sorrow and affliction that so much carnage has so cruelly imposed on so many.
New Yorkers have been fortunate that Mayor Rudy Giuliani, a normally rebarbative and unpleasantly combative, even retrograde figure, has rapidly attained Churchillian status. Calmly, unsentimentally, and with extraordinary compassion, he has marshalled the city's heroic police, fire and emergency services to admirable effect and, alas, with huge loss of life. Giuliani's was the first voice of caution against panic and jingoistic attacks on the city's large Arab and Muslim communities, the first to express the commonsense of anguish, the first to press everyone to try to resume life after the shattering blows.
Would that that were all. The national television reporting has of course brought the horror of those dreadful winged juggernauts into every household, unremittingly, insistently, not always edifyingly. Most commentary has stressed, indeed magnified, the expected and the predictable in what most Americans feel: terrible loss, anger, outrage, a sense of violated vulnerability, a desire for vengeance and un-restrained retribution. Beyond formulaic expressions of grief and patriotism, every politician and accredited pundit or expert has dutifully repeated how we shall not be defeated, not be deterred, not stop until terrorism is exterminated. This is a war against terrorism, everyone says, but where, on what fronts, for what concrete ends? No answers are provided, except the vague suggestion that the Middle East and Islam are what 'we' are up against, and that terrorism must be destroyed.
What is most depressing, however, is how little time is spent trying to understand America's role in the world, and its direct involvement in the complex reality beyond the two coasts that have for so long kept the rest of the world extremely distant and virtually out of the average American's mind. You'd think that 'America' was a sleeping giant rather than a superpower almost constantly at war, or in some sort of conflict, all over the Islamic domains. Osama bin Laden's name and face have become so numbingly familiar to Americans as in effect to obliterate any his tory he and his shadowy followers might have had before they became stock symbols of everything loathsome and hateful to the collective imagination. Inevitably, then, collective passions are being funnelled into a drive for war that uncannily resembles Captain Ahab in pursuit of Moby Dick, rather than what is going on, an imperial power injured at home for the first time, pursuing its interests systematically in what has become a suddenly reconfigured geography of conflict, without clear borders, or visible actors. Manichaean symbols and apocalyptic scenarios are bandied about with future consequences and rhetorical restraint thrown to the winds.
Rational understanding of the situation is what is needed now, not more drum-beating. George Bush and his team clearly want the latter, not the former. Yet to most people in the Islamic and Arab worlds the official US is synonymous with arrogant power, known for its sanctimoniously munificent support not only of Israel but of numerous repressive Arab regimes, and its inattentiveness even to the possibility of dialogue with secular movements and people who have real grievances. Anti-Americanism in this context is not based on a hatred of modernity or technology-envy: it is based on a narrative of concrete interventions, specific depredations and, in the cases of the Iraqi people's suffering under US-imposed sanctions and US support for the 34-year-old Israeli occupation of Palestinian territories. Israel is now cynically exploiting the American catastrophe by intensifying its military occupation and oppression of the Palestinians. Political rhetoric in the US has overridden these things by flinging about words like 'terrorism' and 'freedom' whereas, of course, such large abstractions have mostly hidden sordid material interests, the influence of the oil, defence and Zionist lobbies now consolidating their hold on the entire Middle East, and an age-old religious hostility to (and ignorance of) 'Islam' that takes new forms every day.
Intellectual responsibility, however, requires a still more critical sense of the actuality. There has been terror of course, and nearly every struggling modern movement at some stage has relied on terror. This was as true of Mandela's ANC as it was of all the others, Zionism included. And yet bombing defenceless civilians with F-16s and helicopter gunships has the same structure and effect as more conventional nationalist terror.
What is bad about all terror is when it is attached to religious and political abstractions and reductive myths that keep veering away from history and sense. This is where the secular consciousness has to try to make itself felt, whether in the US or in the Middle East. No cause, no God, no abstract idea can justify the mass slaughter of innocents, most particularly when only a small group of people are in charge of such actions and feel themselves to represent the cause without having a real mandate to do so.
Besides, much as it has been quarrelled over by Muslims, there isn't a single Islam: there are Islams, just as there are Americas. This diversity is true of all traditions, religions or nations even though some of their adherents have futiley tried to draw boundaries around themselves and pin their creeds down neatly. Yet history is far more complex and contradictory than to be represented by demagogues who are much less representative than either their followers or opponents claim. The trouble with religious or moral fundamentalists is that today their primitive ideas of revolution and resistance, including a willingness to kill and be killed, seem all too easily attached to technological sophistication and what appear to be gratifying acts of horrifying retaliation. The New York and Washington suicide bombers seem to have been middle-class, educated men, not poor refugees. Instead of getting a wise leadership that stresses education, mass mobilisation and patient organisation in the service of a cause, the poor and the desperate are often conned into the magical thinking and quick bloody solutions that such appalling models pro vide, wrapped in lying religious claptrap.
On the other hand, immense military and economic power are no guarantee of wisdom or moral vision. Sceptical and humane voices have been largely unheard in the present crisis, as 'America' girds itself for a long war to be fought somewhere out there, along with allies who have been pressed into service on very uncertain grounds and for imprecise ends. We need to step back from the imaginary thresholds that separate people from each other and re-examine the labels, reconsider the limited resources available, decide to share our fates with each other as cultures mostly have done, despite the bellicose cries and creeds.
'Islam' and 'the West' are simply inadequate as banners to follow blindly. Some will run behind them, but for future generations to condemn themselves to prolonged war and suffering without so much as a critical pause, without looking at interdependent histories of injustice and oppression, without trying for common emancipation and mutual enlightenment seems far more wilful than necessary. Demonisation of the Other is not a sufficient basis for any kind of decent politics, certainly not now when the roots of terror in injustice can be addressed, and the terrorists isolated, deterred or put out of business. It takes patience and education, but is more worth the investment than still greater levels of large-scale violence and suffering."
12:53 AM | I GOTTA talk to you about
this!
Sunday, September 16, 2001
"Brother, if you don't mind...[URL]
Take a look..
There's so much to read it's making me dizzy...
12:03 AM | I GOTTA talk to you about
this!
Saturday, September 15, 2001
Okay.......... just, a lot of things... almost all things look so insgnificant, meaningless and trivial right now. It's all changed, and it will be far from normal for a long, long time.
There are too many disturbing things.. I just really must watching T.V. because, it is all too personally disturbing.. I heard a woman crying for her daughter who had three young children at home, and.. they are without.. their mother...?
And there must be hundreds of those kids - orphans overnight. My dad was especially late from work tonight, and I can't describe how worried and almost upset I was every passing minute. To think the children were waiting for their parents who were never to return...
Too many kinds of horrible consequences, - I haven't spoken at all about this publicly because I just could not organize and put my thoughts into words...
It is impossible to stay focused on anything, I can't think or do anything else because, everywhere I turn there is again something about the tragedy... constant reminders everywhere, there's no-where to look, to escape to...
*sighs*
My friend Jonathan, who is in New York, is spending most of his time at an internet cafe.. watching movies online, the "total avoidance" reaction - it's just, too much.
Another thing that disturbs and worries me most is.. young school kids getting out their anger and aggression towards the wrong objects.. with their uneducated and ill-informed minds, I heard that at two high schools in my neighbouring town muslim kids were beat up. And, I'm sure there must be several similar accidents happening all over the country down in the states. It is the exact same spirit that motivated terrorism in the very first place, why are they becoming terrorists themselves?
11:33 PM | I GOTTA talk to you about
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Tuesday, September 11, 2001
I was awful efficient today.. hmph.
ARGH..
C***.. you do me GOOD.. :P
12:06 AM | I GOTTA talk to you about
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Saturday, September 08, 2001
It's strange how you suddenly become to resent someone you once adored so much..
It's a weird feeling. It is a very weird feeling... He told me to call, so I thought about calling him but decided not to, with the late time and all.. I don't have a phone card either.
I'll just let it flow.. on its own, I guess. Where will it take us?
It's a perversely unyielding, obstinate force that messes up my mind sticky. I can't seem to...
Oh well. It may as well be ... a kind of mindset that I have decided for myself.... I don't know. I'm trying.. I just don't want to see him for some time.. then we can become friends.
Bye bye...
12:15 AM | I GOTTA talk to you about
this!
Friday, June 15, 2001
i practiced a bit today, and my arms are feeling heavy, and my right thumb and the joints are hurting. it never happens to me but it did today! is this the price for having put away the cello for such a long time?????? i'm scared..!
11:44 PM | I GOTTA talk to you about
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I realized the strong incandescent lights have been boiling the air in my room all day, all evening, part of the night!
EEEK.
So now I only have a corner stand that gives off mild yello light..
John called me this afternoon...at my cellphone, at the bar he's working as a bartender. No customers at 6:30 p.m. hah?
Hehe.. this week has been good... unexpected reunion with my old friends from last year's programming class, incLUding John ;P
11:35 PM | I GOTTA talk to you about
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Thursday, June 07, 2001
a piece of DARK, semi-sweet chocolate with a ripe, juicy MANGO.. MMMMM. I could SWOOOOON.
8:40 PM | I GOTTA talk to you about
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Wednesday, June 06, 2001
Wow. I'm trying out a new browser, opera, and hmm.. has some java problems with this. If I get the full version though, it's going to take up 9.4 mb of my computer so I'm hesitant to do it..
Whatever the heck is the matter with me.. I don't seem to be able to work efficiently any more.. oh, to work at all.
2:55 PM | I GOTTA talk to you about
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I'm frustrated. And you know what's more? I don't care for excuses.
1:12 AM | I GOTTA talk to you about
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Saturday, June 02, 2001
I'm eating a cherry turnover and the sticky stuff got on my hair! juuust a little bit, though....
I caught a virus last night through my friend's e-mail.. gosh what a frigthtening experience.
Lost all night's sleep... I was lured by the attachment title.... shoot.. I never open those stupid attachments usually, but I guess I was going nuts cuz I hadn't seen this fried for decades. lol
I had a lesson with my teacher, and..I love Brahms. heehee :D
7:40 PM | I GOTTA talk to you about
this!
Friday, June 01, 2001
CARL I MISS YOUUUUUUU
12:36 PM | I GOTTA talk to you about
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Thursday, May 31, 2001
We just don't work out together... and you should know it.
12:52 AM | I GOTTA talk to you about
this!
Tuesday, May 29, 2001
my text goes here
4:37 PM | I GOTTA talk to you about
this!
"Panic Disorder is a very serious health problem and should never be taken lightly. It is a problem that can become very disabling. Once someone has had a panic attack, they may have panic disorder. Panic attacks can cause a person to develop irrational fears that are called phobias. The sufferer suffers great anxiety and fear about another panic attack, it may leave the sufferer unable to get on a bus or even leave their home. At this point, the sufferer is said to have panic disorder. This disorder can seriously affect a person's life.
Up to 4 people in every 100 will experience episodes of intense, overwhelming fear that reach a peak within 10 minutes and come on suddenly and unexpectedly. During these attacks, it is not unusual to feel that you are having a heart attack, are being suffocated or are going crazy. During these periods, people often say they have heart palpitations, a rapid heart beat, shortness of breath or choking. There may also be sweating, nausea and diarrhea, trembling and shaking during these attacks. As well, the person may describe a sense of things being unreal, or that they feel detached from themselves. These symptoms together are known as a panic attack. When a person has repeated panic attacks, they are diagnosed as having panic disorder."
"Over the years I have learned to deal with depression. I have found ways to cope with it when I realize that I am depressed. Sometimes I don't even realize that I am depressed until someone points it out to me, usually a close family member. Too often, I have failed to recognize my own depression and even at times when I was aware of it, I didn't want to admit it and denied it to others. To me, being depressed was showing "personal weakness" and that I was unable to stay on top of things, making me feel like a failure. At times, I felt no one would understand and even perhaps look down on me. It has even crossed my mind that if anyone knew how depressed I was feeling, they would avoid me, after all, who wants to be around someone who is depressed? I know it's hard enough for me to deal with depression when I'm the one depressed let alone anyone else being around me. I know it is hard for people around especially friends and loved ones to understand and even help me when I feel badly. However, I do know that friends and family can help and do make a difference during those hard times."
1:35 PM | I GOTTA talk to you about
this!
Sunday, May 27, 2001
I MISS YOUUUUUUUU :P :P :P
9:04 PM | I GOTTA talk to you about
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Saturday, May 26, 2001
HOLY !
did you see that it(below) was posted *right* on top of the hour lol
11:04 PM | I GOTTA talk to you about
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I feel like a wife waiting for husband to get home...
"Home, Sweet Home....HONEY, I'M HOME!!"
:)
I revised my book critique, which I thought was awesome at the time I wrote it with drowsy flustered brain system and an urge to get the thing over with so I could catch a couple more minutes' sleep lol I'm going to re-hand in my critique, hope the teacher will allow that..
I posted it up on amazon.com, and that pretty much brought me to eleven o'clock.
*yawns* Okay, I really have to work on this thingy.. for Ancient Civilizations. ARGH.
11:00 PM | I GOTTA talk to you about
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what the heck is wrong with this....!
8:38 PM | I GOTTA talk to you about
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okay, so this is back on now tooo... obviously you should've checked my OTHER weblog first :D :D good for you ;)
it's getting cold now.. aww.. and NO i don't like it when my friends are horny.
3:27 PM | I GOTTA talk to you about
this!
Thursday, May 24, 2001
I just got home from a lesson with my regular teacher, and well, it's so good to play again! :)
We worked on Brahms Sonata No.2 and he is delighted that I've chosen to do this.. :D we're both Brahms maniac :D
hehehe... i'm in a good mood, as you can tell, but it does not mean that i'm free from the crazy pile of work :(((((
2:32 PM | I GOTTA talk to you about
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Tuesday, May 22, 2001
finally finished all my English assignments.
I had to get up at 5:10 this morning, and I'm really really sorry I've been abandoning these assignments 'til the very last minute........ As for my first draft of the book critique, I stole one of the reviews on amazon lol of course, I WILL write a great review of my own, but I simply had no time to write it just yet.... and I have to bring it to the class for PEER EDITING-....no comment on this...- so I need to have something to show them. The due date for the final draft is this Friday, and I should have it done by then..!
6:57 AM | I GOTTA talk to you about
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Monday, May 21, 2001
okay.. I'm taking a nap..finally.. (went to bed at 2 am and got up at 6 30 am)
and, oh yeah i like a kiss on the neck..
*grin*
4:21 PM | I GOTTA talk to you about
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I'm finishing up the last journal............................
I need some sleep first though..
3:09 PM | I GOTTA talk to you about
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Sunday, May 20, 2001
oh there's an ice cream truck passing by.. i want to eat ICE CREAM!!!
8:09 PM | I GOTTA talk to you about
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I've been looking at my titis in the mirror for the past 10 minutes cuz of this lol
"Personality & Breast Shape"
AS ALWAYS, I am unable to categorize myself clearly by this personality test either, but I know what I am not.
I am not:
plump breast OR very flat-chested OR narrowly-gapped chest OR saggy chest.
So what does this leave me with? Of course, for you to find out (LIKE i would tell you?!)!
1:13 PM | I GOTTA talk to you about
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WOOOW it's already 12... should go practice more, from 1 i have to start writing the remaining two journals...
and I like to be hugged from behind
!
:D
12:07 PM | I GOTTA talk to you about
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“…And how can I upbraid people and grow angry when I, myself, with all the goodwill in the world have not been able to make a song and any sweet music out of my life! … I am really aware of an imperative urge, of a thirsting desire for one pure, pleasing, essentially holy sound and its fading away, but my days are full of mischance and discord and wherever I turn and wherever I strike, there is never a true and clear echo.”
You can't love others unless you can love yourself first.
You can't make others believe that you are beautiful before you consider yourself to be beautiful.
The same way, you can't make others love your music unless you can love your music yourself..
12:01 PM | I GOTTA talk to you about
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Saturday, May 19, 2001
I wish to be done with all of this as soon as possible, so I can go back into the sweet arms of music...
8:40 PM | I GOTTA talk to you about
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I'm analyzing a novel called Gertrude, by Hermann Hesse. Unfortunately it is not one of his better known books, and I have to write 4 journals on it..and a book review..This morning I edited my first two journals, and now I have two more to go--I hate, HATE book analysis with passion. I love this book and being forced to analyze every single detail of it is completely agonizing me! It's still a good book.. I'll post my journals on my other weblog as they come along, finished. Maybe you could help me out with suggestions, etc..? :) hehe.. "oh you are a sweetheart." :D
1:47 PM | I GOTTA talk to you about
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I am one very happy....girl... :)
*sighs*
6:51 AM | I GOTTA talk to you about
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Thursday, May 17, 2001
HEE HEE IF I WANNA DO IT, I DO IT! I PRACTICED! WEEEEEEEEE!!!!
:D :D :D :D :D
For mere fudge two hours, but I feel so good I could jump up and down all around the room :P
8:13 PM | I GOTTA talk to you about
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I WANT TO PRACTICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
3:25 PM | I GOTTA talk to you about
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I think I've been too happy lately.. haven't even touched my cello for days and I don't even feel too worried or anything--well I do, but really, I'm too happy. Dangerous--I'm getting depressed.
3:22 PM | I GOTTA talk to you about
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Cello is, an OROTUND instrument! HA-HA! Disagree with me? It's a duel!! >:)
1:43 AM | I GOTTA talk to you about
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Wednesday, May 16, 2001
OH i almost forgot. today is my parent's anniversary. :)
2:52 PM | I GOTTA talk to you about
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we took a class photo in my music & computers class today, and since i'm the only girl in the class the teacher told the guys to surround me as if i were the centre of the attention lol
that was pretty embarrassing but now that i think about it, i'm really truly sorry i didn't put my arm around stas. he was standing right beside me, on the right side! dammit! lol
hee hee. :D
2:48 PM | I GOTTA talk to you about
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ARGH don't embarrass meeeee
mari=incorrigible
i like dirty but i don't like it too much...
don't go back to your hole though, you know i love you!
2:42 PM | I GOTTA talk to you about
this!
Tuesday, May 15, 2001
Okay, your eyes have not gone crazy(or your brain for that matter), what you see is right, it is RED. i was in such a violent mood as i posted the last fudging message, i still am and couldn't help it and
i had to see the red. what DO you want!?!?
11:11 PM | I GOTTA talk to you about
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oh i'm so freakin' annoyed.
why can't i be more independent? why can't i manage my own life?
i know i'm making my life harder for myself but i just can't help but feel annoyed in the most excruciating way.
i've no desire to work any more tonight, and that totally pisses me off too, cuz i so f*cking have to do the work tonight.
don't ask me why i'm so violent, it may be the twenty donut holes (sour cream they were) i consumed earlier today that's kicking in finally, or whatever, but
OH I'M SO F***ING ANNOYED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
11:04 PM | I GOTTA talk to you about
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Monday, May 14, 2001
i'm just throwing a nothing in this.. why? cuz that's what it's supposed to be for! yeah! i say anything and everything in here.. anything at all. i told you it's my DIRT log.. yep yep just don't complain when it's filled with my guys crap.. :P
10:31 PM | I GOTTA talk to you about
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Okay, I'm crazy about Boston. So WHAT? This is still a good story! I mean, miracle pills for cancers!
"Docs tout miracle pill for some cancers".
10:04 PM | I GOTTA talk to you about
this!
I'm losing them... I have lost one or two and I am losing more- could it be that the end is near, for us? I would not like to think so.
The night before Mother's Day, I wrote a long letter to my mother. I was feeling very inspired and grateful, after the lesson which took place earlier in the afternoon...and God just filled these beautiful and true words into me and I just poured them out..I cried as I wrote it, and so did my mother, as she read it the next morning.
Words written on paper, can do a miracle. Especially for my mom, it has an ultimately powerful effect.. It seems that now she feels more confident about my ability and my responsibility, and as a result, I might be living on my own.. when I go to university next year that is. We do love each other, only just the way it is expressed is often negative, under such extremely pressing circumstances which we live under.
4:32 PM | I GOTTA talk to you about
this!
Friday, May 11, 2001
trouble..
6:51 PM | I GOTTA talk to you about
this!
I'm school again, and I'm experimenting. With this weblog, I mean, not doing anything bad :P
12:25 PM | I GOTTA talk to you about
this!
Thursday, May 10, 2001
Thinking of my new Italian beau... lol j/k I mean, I like Italian food. OH great, now you don't believe me. :P ===> "Italy defends national dish".
Ummm wow I was so greatly pissed... I still am cuz I only have an hour to study for the french test...-unit test no.6!...- my mom was being such a...pain in the morning. I just hope it's not too contagious, being so annoying...ok, ok, it's my MOTHER I'm talking about.
...you should never talk about your mother like this. It's an insult to yourself.
I have 50 minutes to study.
Okay, about my taking a break from my online acquaintance, there WERE personal feelings involved, and YES, IT WAS YOU.
lol
I can be ultimately sarcastic, and it makes me such a b*tch.
9:40 AM | I GOTTA talk to you about
this!
Tuesday, May 08, 2001
When I fear something, there is a reason for it. I don't ever want to have sex until I am married...
10:13 PM | I GOTTA talk to you about
this!
Monday, April 30, 2001
my BRA doesn't seem to fit.
lol
4:02 PM | I GOTTA talk to you about
this!
My grandmother has finally arrived in Toronto two days ago. It may very well be our last chance to be together... at least she says so, just as does my mom, although I would not necessarily agree with them. She keeps saying (almost in a lamenting tone) had I not started on Cello, I would have continued with studying only, and then I would get a degree and be a professor at a university, and if that was the case, how much effort and money would be saved for mom.
sigh
I won't go into this any further... but I know she means well for all of us, and she is supportive of us in every way she can be.. however she can help us, she is always there for us and just to have her near is, well, it's like having none other. Our home feels complete.
Sometimes I'm not sure if I love her more than mom... lol and mom knows it lol
3:50 PM | I GOTTA talk to you about
this!
Tuesday, April 24, 2001
Now THIS is, temporarily, a tester blog.
I gotta check if this link works on here:
AHA!
what a discovery! :)
8:52 PM | I GOTTA talk to you about
this!
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